Mandy [00:00:01] Welcome to a different Artwork of Relationships podcast. We’re grateful for listeners such as you. Let’s get proper into it.
Chris [00:00:11] Nicely, it is good to be again for one more Artwork of Relationships podcast. Thanks guys for becoming a member of us. And, it is enjoyable to have the ability to do these. And, we proceed to actually have some wonderful matters. I do not suppose we’ll ever run out of matters lease on the.
Alisa [00:00:27] So long as there are individuals, a couple of individual on this earth and so they’re in a relationship with one different individual, we’ll have a job.
Chris [00:00:34] Yeah. That is proper. And it is simply such a enjoyable factor to have the ability to discuss relationships on a regular basis on this podcast. And with you, Lisa, it is so enjoyable. I really like your insights and your ideas. And yeah, we get nice questions from individuals on a regular basis. And I really like the best way you reply them. And I be taught lots nonetheless. I feel we had one not too long ago from any person who requested about, character variations.
Alisa [00:00:58] Yeah. It is a query we received, Chris, and that is so proper up your alley. Due to your background as a social psychologist. I imply, that is your coaching. That is your PhD. So are you prepared for this one?
Chris [00:01:10] Okay. I am prepared. Okay.
Alisa [00:01:11] I will throw it at you. Right here you go. So how do individuals who have fairly completely different personalities be taught to know and accommodate one another? Chris [00:01:19] Oh, yeah. Wow. Good one. Yeah.
Alisa [00:01:22] How lengthy do now we have? Yeah.
Chris [00:01:23] Actually? That is proper. There’s an entire class. My PhD in social psychology, my grasp’s and Ph.D. And there is a completely different grasp’s and PhD which might be proper down the corridor within the space of character. And so our journal, like, for instance, one of the best tutorial journal out there’s known as the Journal of Persona and Social Psychology. So these two fields have been linked perpetually and ever. And our colleagues and mates on the character facet, you understand, we’re all the time coping with the identical matters. So this can be a nice one. Leese, how will we go about, you understand, not simply understanding one other, you understand, our pal’s character or somebody we’re in a relationship with, however, it looks like so understanding, turning into conscious, you understand, after which having fun with these variations or these similarities to, you understand, after which higher perceive not simply the elements that formed us and proceed to form us, however how do I take advantage of this and revel in it? Proper. It jogs my memory of the Psalmist in Psalm 139 that God created us in our innermost being. You understand, he knit us collectively, you understand, knit, meet collectively in my mom’s womb. I am fearfully and splendidly made. So in that fearfully and splendidly made concept, we’re all so uniquely completely different. And there’s no, you understand, two individuals who would have the very same character. We do not have the identical histories, proper? We do not have the identical views, the identical cultural upbringing. And so here is right here’ an incredible reply, I feel, that I heard earlier than, and it begins with the notion that we have to change into conscious of one another, our character and the opposite individual’s. We’re most likely interested in some individuals as a result of they both have related character traits or, you understand, they’ve these contrasting ones that we discover interesting. Proper? Some introverts are like, oh, I want I could possibly be as extroverted as that. However additionally they recognize the, the chance to speak with any person who’s perhaps just a little bit completely different than them.
Alisa [00:03:43] And you might be so proper. And I feel that that simply explains the recognition, the booming reputation of those, character assessments just like the Enneagram or, what are among the different ones that.
Chris [00:04:00] You understand, go forward. Yeah. There’s Myers-Briggs. Sure. For instance, go forward.
Alisa [00:04:04] Yeah. Oh, properly, gosh, even you suppose within the secular world the zodiac indicators. Oh, for those who’re a Pisces. So we had been at dinner the opposite evening and we had been laughing about our, our, our completely different orders, and the very first thing that the waitress checked out, she goes, oh, it is your birthday. Are you a Pisces? You understand, like, I do not know, I do not care, however clearly, that’s that that could be a method that individuals attempt to categorize our personalities. What drives us, what’s essential to us, and what our future is? And I am I am excited to listen to about your perspective from a, from a social psychological perspective, like, do these items maintain weight? Are they’re ought to we be placing as a lot, funding into these items as we’re or? Sure, we undoubtedly want to observe your physique.
Chris [00:05:00] Good. After which after which perhaps you possibly can fill observe up with what do I do now with this data? How do I, you understand, love one other individual this manner. So yeah I. I used to be all the time drawn. And most of us are like your waitress. You understand, that evening, I bear in mind what it was. This concept of we’re drawn to try to determine, you understand, our tendencies and our traits. I feel as a result of we need to predict what different persons are going to do and what they’ll be like, proper? Folks? We like that for them to be, I assume, predictable, like, oh, I need to know what individual X feels. And it is like, so I can anticipate what they’ll do. And so I am not shocked by that.
Alisa [00:05:38] And security.
Chris [00:05:39] Yeah. And so like ooh I might determine oh for those who’re a Pisces then you definitely I can count on this from you. And you understand, I am going to see what I count on to see. However that least that.
Alisa [00:05:49] Or for those who’re a two with a wing 4 and 7, then I can predict. And that makes loads of sense as a result of you are going to be this manner and I will be that method. And here is how we’re imagined to work together.
Chris [00:06:01] Yeah. So here is the excellent news. After which here is the unhealthy information. To begin with, even earlier than that, traditionally, the way back to the traditional Greeks, they’re all they had been all the time making an attempt to determine this out. What makes an individual the best way they did it? When you bear in mind even the phrases from the traditional Greeks, you most likely do. You bear in mind phrases like phlegmatic or choleric or somebody’s melancholic, you understand, or sanguine. All of these phrases come from historical Greeks who believed that your character was set due to sure physique fluids, or these completely different, what they known as humors that had been within the physique phlegmatic, melancholy, sanguine, and choleric. Proper. However that is the earliest instance of what we even name these trait theories of personalities. These mainly consider this goes again 1000’s of years. We need to know one other individual’s enduring private or response patterns. I need to know what the way you suppose, act and really feel in given conditions and why you do and what causes that. Is it the celebs? Is it’s it the the sequence of the moon? Is it, you understand, just like the zodiac indicators or horoscope indicators? Or is it one thing on the within of my physique? These humors are fluids. Nicely, that is how it began. The Latin phrase, you understand, got here is the phrase persona. And that simply merely implies that Latin means these. A persona is a masks, a masks that for those who had been a stage actor again within the day, even in Jesus’s day, there was a stage not removed from the place he grew up, and actors on the stage would placed on a masks what’s known as a persona to indicate the viewers members, you understand, these those that sat, you understand, 50, 60 rows again, could not see clearly the faces or the feelings on the actor. In order that they placed on these masks. You all see these masks after we go to the theater. You see the comedy or the tragedy masks at theaters, in theaters. That is as a result of stage actors again in historical instances would put on a comedy to indicate the viewers from distant. Hey, count on one thing humorous from me? That is me. Or count on tragedy from me. And so, okay, that is the place we get the phrase that is so these masks are known as personas. The phrase. After all. Now we use the phrase your character, however the perception is that, oh, even for those who’re performing, you form of have that character. No matter masks I see you with, individuals are likely to, even at this time, see an actor and actress and misread that. They’re form of like that actor, the actress that they had been. So we’d see any person in public that is an actor and actors taking part in a job. To illustrate, I do not know Kramer in Seinfeld, and we’d go, oh, that actor, no matter his identify is, is all the time like that. He is just a little bit loopy. He is not simply performing. It turns into a part of his character. So the masks we put on turns into a part of our character. Okay, so, what we are likely to see one other individual does? Nicely, let’s simply say we’re a there’s loads of enchantment in direction of making an attempt to determine, oh, that is you. That is your character. You understand, when the child is, you understand, you might have a youthful brother or sister or you might have your little one and you are like, oh my gosh, what sort of character are they going to have? And the place does it come from? You understand, is that this child going to be shy or outgoing or, you understand, they’ll be this person who, you understand, fights and is powerful for every little thing? Are they going to be just a little bit timid and just a little bit extra cautious?
Alisa [00:09:47] And you may form of inform early.
Chris [00:09:49] I feel instantly. In order that’s why Myers-Briggs was essential and is at this time. That is why the Enneagram has such enchantment. And I feel it is as a result of we imagine that individuals’s habits could be predicted if we all know their character, no matter it’s, which it could not.
Alisa [00:10:07] Would not that be tremendous superior? If simply primarily based on understanding your character, you stroll within the door and I could make some sure assumptions fairly safely that you just’re an introvert. While you come residence, you aren’t going to need to have 50 individuals over for dinner that evening. Yeah, and that is a reasonably secure assumption.
Chris [00:10:29] Yeah. And so you understand who I’m and my character and due to this fact how I am doubtless to reply to react. Proper. See, that is the factor. The creators of issues just like the Myers-Briggs, the Enneagram, you understand, strengths quest, all of them notice that I do know all if I do know one thing about an individual’s character that even transcends what I learn about their faith typically, or their language or their gender or their nationality or their tradition, like, give me anyone from anyplace, wherever, as long as I do know their character. I received one thing about them that is even greater. Nicely, okay, that is the excellent news. And why are these items so fascinating, proper? The Enneagram, with its, you understand, 9 distinct patterns, I do not know, reformer or achiever, helper or no matter these are. That is the excellent news. We’re very on this. There’s some huge cash to be made, and folks do all types of issues to determine who they’re online.
Alisa [00:11:35] So what are the downsides?
Chris [00:11:37] Yeah. Nicely, actual rapidly, here is the information on character. There is no such thing as a one single check that anyone who’s ever studied this discipline, you understand, getting whether or not they do it and graduate work and get their Ph.D. on this or they research medical psych. There merely is not any good method to assess not simply one other individual’s character, however even your personal. There’s simply no easy method to do it. The Enneagram is nice, but it surely’s most likely extra only for informational functions and academic form of enjoyment, reasonably than a transparent demonstration of who we’re. There actually is not any single trait that we will use for one more individual 1 or 2 advanced two. We alter lots relying upon temper, relying upon time of, you understand, the year, relying upon what is going on on in my life. Am I in a cheerful relationship or not? So man right here and it will get worse. The second factor in addition to, there’s actually no good easy method to do that. Not even individuals with PhDs can truly say, properly, here is one of the simplest ways to, you understand, assess your character. It takes lots just like the MMPI Minnesota multi-phase, you understand, character stock, MMPI. Good Lord. The factor might be 500 questions. And even then to interpret it simply merely offers you some pointers. Actually it is extra like a tenet. Nevertheless it will get worse. The adverse is after I start to deal with any person who has for, as an example they’re an Entj or an IRS sort in Myers-Briggs or the reformer or achiever. If I start to deal with them accordingly like, oh, you are, an analyzing progressive explorer. What occurs is then you definitely get form of pigeonholed into one thing that is only a tough guess of some stuff you like. You understand, it is received a superb guesstimate facet to it. However I start to see individuals via that filter or know I ought to solely relate to individuals. Such as you stated, that is A29 and by no means was any person, you understand, that is a Ford seven or I do not what the numbers are, however no matter it’s, look, the unhealthy information is we are likely to need to stereotype or typecast or put individuals in these bins, and that is not good. Okay, in order that’s the great, that is the unhealthy, that is the ugly. This is the underside line, Randy. The underside line is we’re all the time curious as a result of our tendencies and our traits, they outline us. Proper. Some appear to be hard-wired in. Some appear to be, you understand, primarily based upon the results of studying and could be modified. However one other individual has such an enormous affect on us that it might be actually cool to form of get a way. And here’s what I might say. There may be one sort of character stock that you would be able to go take proper now. Go lookup the decision. It is known as the Massive 5 character stock. And the massive 5 is de facto this concept that there are 5 main traits that all of us fluctuate on. And of those traits, I am going to provide the traits the place the traits are issues in reality you’ll be able to have a look at is named ocean. Oh C8 and the primary one. Oh, openness to new experiences. Okay, see how conscientious we’re. e how extroverted we’re, or introverted the A in ocean is agreeable, how agreeable we’re, or and the way neurotic we’re. Which is form of fascinating, however moody. Yeah. Like, yeah. Excessive, robust versus calm and relaxed, as an example. Yeah. Neuroticism. So O.C.E.A.N. okay. The massive 5. Most individuals which have studied character go, okay. If you’d like a fast method to do that, keep away from the others. Go along with the massive 5, see the place you are at after which preserve monitor of that. In order that’s a great way to do it. So I like that one I like the massive 5 I name it the ocean or different individuals do too, I am certain. However that concept of that is it dependable man. Yeah, it offers you a superb sense, however can you utilize it for good? And I feel the reply is sure, we will. We are able to use it to say, you understand what? I actually am interested in individuals who rating excessive on openness to new experiences. They need to go and take a look at new issues. You had been like that. We I. Possibly you are like, oh, let’s go attempt that. Or you understand what? You are on the lookout for work. Keep in mind after I received my diploma and universities had been calling and you are like, oh, you understand what, that may be enjoyable to maneuver to there. Or oh, what in the event that they name in Iowa? Oh, what in the event that they name in Florida? Each of us are, like, open to this. Let’s go wherever it was.
Alisa [00:16:43] Or take a gaggle of scholars to Russia.
Chris [00:16:46] Just like the Soviet Union for some time since you had been open to new experiences. I used to be, and that high quality attracted me to you. You might be so extroverted. I actually discovered that I might reasonably be with any person who’s barely extra extroverted than introverted as a result of it will deliver me out just a little bit extra. I actually did not care, you understand, about neuroticism, however I did just a little bit.
Alisa [00:17:09] You truly did since you had a earlier girlfriend that was just a little
moody, however I wasn’t.
Chris [00:17:15] Yeah, I feel you are precisely proper. Agreeableness. The A after which the tip neuroticism. Yeah. She was she was just a little bit extra moody. I do not we cannot discuss her. However she had these up-down moods and I discovered myself following her and I noticed wait a minute. My moods are going up and down when hers go up and down. I do not like that. So, due to this fact, I higher. If I will observe somebody like that, I might reasonably have any person that is fairly extra agreeable and never neurotic. And that was you. And so, that method, you understand that these had been essential to me. So you’ll be able to have a look at that conscientiousness for me and, oh, you are self-disciplined, well-organized, which you might be, versus disorganized. I did not actually care on that one. So there we go. The nice on character exams, proper? All of us need to know the unhealthy. You understand, we pigeonhole individuals, however the worst is after we begin to treating different individuals or imagine, oh, that is me. I am all the time an NFJ.
Alisa [00:18:12] I can not get away of that.
Chris [00:18:13] I can not get away and due to this fact this different individual, I should not date them due to this. That is the unhealthy. You understand, no less than in terms of cash, I feel all of us need unity with our partner right here within the matter of cash. We ought, you understand, to trust approaching a subject and readability as a result of cash’s an enormous situation with couples.
Alisa [00:18:34] Yeah, it is it is one of many high six that couples have battle over. Proper. So we’re actually grateful for the assist of Colby Gilmore of Blue Belief. And Colby, together with different Blue Belief Licensed Wealth Strategist. He provides a personalised, biblically centered wealth planning expertise in addition to funding administration providers. And what I actually love about him is it’s for individuals of all earnings ranges.
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Alisa [00:19:18] Yeah, we we actually have
Chris [00:19:20] We need to encourage you guys to reap the benefits of this. They’re nice sponsors of the artwork of relationship, and a Bible college. And so reap the benefits of this transformational alternative to seek out out, and to seek out unity together with your partner. Yeah.
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Chris [00:19:45] Yeah, you will be glad you probably did.
Alisa [00:19:50] So that you form of highlighted how this labored for us, within the optimistic with these oceans. So what does a pair do or what do you two individuals do who actually have fairly completely different personalities? And, on these ocean, scales, these 5 large personalities, they’re simply on reverse ends of the spectrum. So how do you be taught to know or accommodate one another after they’re completely different? And so now we have a few strategies that we need to make.
Chris [00:20:21] Okay. Let’s do it.
Alisa [00:20:22] So the primary one which I might say is I feel it is actually essential to get the opposite individual’s backstory. And what which means is that all of us come into this relationship with completely different histories, life experiences, those that we have interacted with, books we have learn, issues which have which have. Spoken into our lives that helped formed who we’re. And I feel that no matter expertise shapes you or shapes the opposite individual. That form of data is essential to have as a result of it actually enhances your understanding of why they’re coming from the place they arrive from.
Chris [00:21:03] Yeah, yeah. I really like the actual fact, Lisa, that your again story includes, you understand, rising as much as the place you did not have, you understand, a ton of cash. You had been most likely center class, however you additionally, love and felt cherished and loved, you understand, present giving and a part of that. Nicely, that may be costly. And so that you realized how one can price range your cash and go to work and save so you’ll be able to go spend. And understanding that backstory of you has helped me to know why gift-giving is so essential, or why you’re keen on to avoid wasting, simply to have the ability to go spend I.
Alisa [00:21:41] And conversely, what I learn about you is rising up, y’all did not have some huge cash. Your mother was a single mother for a lot of your time. Rising up with 5 boys and so many was all the time tight. And so that basically shapes loads of your attitudes in direction of cash after which the need to avoid wasting the cash, the need to be financially safe. However, you understand, I take into consideration my, my dad the best way my dad grew up. I imply, he had a horrible relationship together with his personal dad, who was actually form of verbally abusive and divisive between him and my aunts. And so after I suppose again to what it was like rising up with my dad. You understand that that understanding of what he grew up with, the position fashions he had. Gave me much more understanding for why he was the best way he was, which that understanding led me to really feel extra compassion and empathy for him, and to be way more affected person together with his faults or shortcomings.
Chris [00:22:48] Nicely, that sounds yeah, that feels like your first level, which is that if you understand an individual’s backstory, it leads you to begin to really feel extra empathy or compassion for what they suppose.
Alisa [00:23:00] Sure, sure, it makes you way more prepared to accommodate their character, their views, their wants, their wishes, which can be very completely different from your personal.
Chris [00:23:10] No, I really like that. Yeah. That is nice.
Alisa [00:23:12] Okay, so, the second I might say can be to, when you might have for those who’re in that shut relationship, a pal, a partner, and your personalities are so completely different, you can begin form of, you understand, simply rub within the improper method after some time. I feel it is essential to return and remind your self why you fell in love with this individual within the first place. Why did we change into mates within the first place? What are issues which might be actually like about him? And in different phrases, domesticate, a perspective or an angle of gratitude. And I feel after we do this, I might what I might say is each day write down one, two, perhaps three issues that you just actually worth or recognize about your partner. Like after they I for you at this time, Chris, earlier than we even recorded the podcast, you walked into the workplace. I used to be already right here and also you did not ask me about lunch, however you simply had been considerate and also you introduced me lunch. Now, whether or not or not it was one thing that I might have picked up or or is my favourite factor was irrelevant. It was the truth that you simply are the form of individual that you just thought, oh wow, perhaps she wants lunch. I am going to simply deliver her some. Actually recognize that about you. Yeah.
Chris [00:24:25] Nicely, thanks for. Yeah, thanks. You understand, to to come back into the workplace position in round midday at lunchtime actually is one thing like. Nicely, I take pleasure in this job a lot. You understand, you guys are right here working, beginning at, you understand, no matter. Eight, 9. And I roll in at midday with lunch.
Alisa [00:24:40] It pays to be the boss.
Chris [00:24:42] You understand? However however okay, so that you’re proper. At the very least I feel there’s most likely a then an a method of claiming, look, it helps me to know your again historical past and your again story. And second level is that after we’re starting to, you understand, be in just a little little bit of battle, it is all the time good to remind ourselves in regards to the qualities of why we’re attracted to a different individual, optimistic and the optimistic. And conversely, for those who’re in a friendship and as an example the alternative is going on, you understand you had been a pal for some time, however unexpectedly now you are studying extra in regards to the different individual and also you merely do not agree or like among the character traits. Man, I feel that is crucial that it to go properly. Possibly you’ll want to reevaluate the depth and energy of your friendship, proper? This it is okay to again out for those who’re studying these poisonous issues about one other individual. It takes time to be taught traits. And now you are with any person. So let’s return. I used to be relationship a lady, and I, you understand, loads of nice qualities and and, views, you understand, after which I realized that she was most likely not as pleasant and type to different individuals. And so what I did was go, you understand, what can I be taught out over time that she’s form of, I do not know, let’s use the phrase snippy. And that basically was onerous for me. And in order that’s okay. Then I simply go, properly, I am glad I realized that now. And earlier than we go too far.
Alisa [00:26:11] In order that’s an incredible that is an incredible differentiation between a friendship and a wedding. As a result of whenever you’re within the marriage, properly, then you definitely’re in that relationship. You’ve got made vows. So we have to be taught to understand or accommodate them. Proper. And so we had been speaking about, simply cultivating that angle of gratitude. And I feel the explanation that that is so highly effective and could be so optimistic is that you just, as you categorical your appreciation, your admiration for that different individual, as you are on the lookout for it deliberately, you simply start to construct a extra optimistic perspective of the opposite individual, as a result of the very last thing the enemy desires you to do is to deal with their positives. The enemy’s going to need you to deal with their negatives, and simply preserve reminding your self about what you do not like, about what you do not like. However after we deal with the optimistic, then what we’re doing is analysis reveals that that really, creates a form of Teflon in your relationship. The extra you observe gratitude and categorical appreciation in order that whenever you encounter these form of onerous character conflicts, these issues simply form of slide. Proper off since you’ve constructed up a lot goodwill.
Chris [00:27:26] Yeah. That is nice.
Alisa [00:27:27] And so then the third level, I feel, can be that, simply understanding that acceptance, your your mate’s character quirks, any person else’s character quirks. It does not essentially imply understanding. Simply since you settle for it doesn’t suggest you need to absolutely perceive it. Like now we have a member of the family in our household, that has, that basically offers with loads of anxiousness. And, and we have talked about it on this podcast earlier than, and it is one facet, one in every of our youngsters, their character that I simply don’t relate to. I am not like that. I do not really feel these emotions. I am like one of many least anxious individuals often, and I simply do not perceive it. And it was actually onerous for me to attach with, with this child of ours. And so lastly, I simply needed to get to a spot that I simply accepted the place she was and who she was, and that that is a facet, of her wiring, of her character. And cease making an attempt to vary it, cease making an attempt to argue in opposition to it, however to just accept the place she is and float.
Chris [00:28:45] Even for those who did not perceive.
Alisa [00:28:46] Even when I did not perceive it. Yeah. As a result of in different phrases, you actually need to. You need to convey that you just love them, you settle for them, and also you all the time need to be that secure place the place they’ll all the time really feel that quote bare and unashamed, proper the place they really feel absolutely recognized and absolutely cherished, identical to God. Totally is aware of and absolutely loves us. You understand, even for those who do not perceive why they’re the best way they’re, I simply settle for you and I really like you. Not despite it. Nicely, typically despite it, and typically due to it, you simply settle for it with out essentially understanding. So I feel for those who do these three issues, it would actually provide help to be taught to understand or no less than perceive and accommodate one another’s character variations and all.
Chris [00:29:38] That is nice as a result of we’re all the time going to be completely different, from one another. There’s simply once more, no two persons are going to be precisely alike. I really like that. You understand, simply in abstract to Lisa, I am going to simply reiterate the factors. And one in every of them goes like this. Ought to I, belief, you understand, that this character traits or ought to I permit it to information me in relationships and different character, I will say, or or ought to I permit my character traits to affect what sort of job I take or who I ought to be mates with? Or. And I will say, not for those who’re taking any of these items online, it you shouldn’t use that as a information to take a job, or not take a job or be in a relationship or not take it merely, we’re not there. We do not have the capability to look in proper now to your mind and determine some issues. So I feel the quick reply is not any. They need to be seen as enjoyable and entertaining. Proper? They however take them with a grain of salt. What? Lisa, your three strategies, I feel, are the best way to do that, proper? We we start to sense one other individual of their variations, recognize that, be taught what they’re like. After which even when we do not absolutely, you understand, comprehend or that we we start to indicate empathy, we start to indicate a love for them like we expertise and acceptance. I really like that that is great things.
Alisa [00:31:01] Yeah. Okay. Nicely, thanks for, sitting in with us for one more half-hour of the Artwork of Relationships podcast. We might love so that you can simply click on that, like, button and, give us 5 stars. We might love that. Additionally take a look at our web site at Seema Dot by your native edu and we are going to see you subsequent time.
Chris [00:31:22] Yeah take care.
Mandy [00:31:25] Thanks for listening to the Artwork of Relationships. This podcast is barely made potential via beneficiant donations from listeners identical to you. When you prefer it and need to assist preserve the podcast going. Go to our web site at cmr.biola.edu and make a donation at this time.