In relationships of all types, the battle of independence-dependence will be one of many stickiest points that individuals must take care of.
Since we’re all so totally different, every of us has a higher or lesser need for freedom and independence and that’s the place the “rub” is available in.
If you happen to’re “too” unbiased in relationships, there’s little or no connection, it doesn’t matter what sort of relationship it’s. There could also be nice love however the different individual can really feel like one thing is lacking within the relationship and that he/she is being held at arm’s size.
If you happen to’re “too” dependent, the opposite individual can really feel smothered and seek for each alternative to have some freedom. You’ll be able to turn out to be codependent and look to the opposite individual to fulfill all of your emotional and vanity wants. You’ll be able to come to imagine that you simply’re not okay except you will have the approval of this different individual.
We see this dynamic in couples who wrestle with jealousy however it may well occur occasionally in any relationship.
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Over the years, as circumstances in life change (like a job change, retirement, empty nest or change in well being), the entire independence/dependence situation can shift and trigger friction and misunderstanding. Your preferences conflict and also you don’t know how one can deal with it.
So how do you deal with various wishes for independence and dependence whereas nonetheless holding an in depth, linked, open, loving relationship?
How do you steadiness and honor a necessity for independence in addition to hold a robust connection?
Listed below are a few of our concepts…
1. Take heed to yourself and know what you need–with out believing all of your fearful tales
To be able to join with one other individual, it’s important to be taught to attach with yourself first. Don’t bury your emotions, pondering that you’re being “sort” in appearing in a sure approach that you simply assume the opposite individual needs or wants.
Not essentially true.
You’ll be able to’t assume that greatest for the opposite individual primarily based in your fearful pondering.
You’ll be able to solely hearken to what’s inside you, separating the fearful tales you could be making up from what’s actually taking place in entrance of you.
“Is that true?” is a superb query from Byron Katie that’s actually useful to separate out your reality from what you’re making up.
2. Take heed to the opposite individual with an open coronary heart and keep within the current second
Listening with an open coronary heart means not assuming and leaping to conclusions. It additionally means staying within the “right here and now,” with out leaping to the longer term or staying caught previously.
All types of fears can come up whenever you deal with these independence/inter-dependence points and your greatest line of protection is to remain targeted on the current second.
Don’t play the “what if” recreation or imagine all of the tales that you simply would possibly make up in your head. It at all times brings up fears that normally don’t materialize.
3. Specific what you need in a approach that opens the door between the 2 of you and isn’t defensive, controlling or demanding.
Once you undertake a defensive method if you find yourself expressing what you need, the opposite individual normally energetically “steps again” and might shut down any connection or line of communication.
Pay attention to your power as you categorical yourself. If you happen to’re unclear the way you “come off” to others, ask a trusted buddy for some trustworthy suggestions. Don’t accuse the opposite individual however inform what you’re seeing about your conduct and what’s occurring with you.
Turn into conscious of your tone of voice, your non-verbal mannerisms and your phrases. Chances are you’ll be stunned on the suggestions that you simply get whenever you ask.
Love is all about respecting and honoring one another and that features honoring and understanding one another’s wants for independence and inter-dependence.