It’s Independence Day in the US—the day we rejoice the signing of the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776. America was intent on gaining its freedom, but it surely didn’t earn it till 1782.
I began interested by independence in marriage. Early in our marriage, my husband and I might debate about how dependent or how unbiased we must be.
Dependence
Some contend that we’re one flesh, joined fully in all methods, and thus completely dependent upon each other. Dependence advocates concentrate on how we complement each other, how we’re like two halves of the identical unit. As famously mentioned in Jerry Maguire, “you full me.”
But all of us sense this may be taken too far. Just like the couple who can’t appear to make the best transfer with out the okay of the opposite. The couple who can’t spend a minute aside, as if doing so may rock the very foundations of their relationship. It might probably resemble that top college relationship between these two inseparable teenagers who had summarily dumped all of their mates in alternate for spending each waking second with one another.
Provided that our independence was earned by troopers, I’m reminded of the variety of navy households right now who should spend day after day aside. Are their marriages a sham? In fact not. Loads of couples should be capable to dwell independently but nonetheless take pleasure in strong and long-lasting relationships.
So perhaps “one flesh” doesn’t imply completely dependent.
Independence
In our tradition, that is extra usually the engaging monitor. One of the quoted Shakespeare traces is “To thine personal self be true.” By no means thoughts that it was spoken by Polonius, who’s given to deception and characterised as a idiot within the play Hamlet. We dwell within the period of such maxims as “It’s My Life,” “Comply with Your Coronary heart,” and “Select Your Personal Path.”
Independence advocates would say that we’d like to have the ability to look after ourselves, to be fully fulfilled people with out counting on marriage. Then, we can provide our like to another person and invite them into our lives.
Actually, we don’t get married to have somebody to cancel our guys’ or ladies’ night time out, to inform us what to do, and to insist that we report in on a regular basis. We aren’t youngsters who want a guardian.
And there’s additionally some fact right here. Many individuals meet their mate quickly after they’ve given up on relationships and determined to be content material on their very own. (I did.) Having the ability to look after yourself makes you a extra assured and interesting particular person. And also you by no means know if you may must take over sure duties as a result of your partner’s absence, an harm, and so forth.
Furthermore, marriage will not be meant to exchange your whole different relationships. There’s nothing flawed with having a while by yourself or with mates outdoors of your marriage. Simply since you’re married doesn’t imply that you simply’re continually a bundle deal. Sure, you allow and cleave. However you don’t smother.
And but, you don’t get married to spend time aside, to insist that your partner depart you alone and allow you to do what you need, even when it injures the wedding. You did promise to like, cherish, and hold to this particular person, above all others. Marriage entails becoming a member of lives, not simply sharing beds and financial institution accounts.
Interdependence
And right here we have now the pleased compromise. Though I don’t actually just like the phrase “compromise,” as a result of that makes it sound such as you’re giving one thing up. You’re not. You will be each unbiased (an entire particular person) and dependent (one flesh together with your mate) by mixing the 2 approaches.
The query for a couple to resolve is what this interdependence seems like. Do you spend 70% of your time collectively, or perhaps 30%? Do you test in with one another all through the day, or wait to speak within the evenings? Do you are taking all holidays collectively, or does one partner go to household alone? Do you make all buying selections collectively, or purchase some issues separate?
And that may look completely different from marriage to marriage.
However what I do know is that those that insist on complete dependence or complete independence aren’t prone to have an ideal marriage. These within the first camp (dependence) have positioned an excessive amount of authority and duty on their partner to make their life worthwhile. It’s not truthful to count on your partner to be all the things for you. These within the second camp (independence) are too targeted on their very own rights and wishes to provide themselves totally to creating the connection work. It’s not truthful to vow to merge your lives however maintain again an enormous a part of yourself.
So right now, I’m pondering there must be a Marriage Interdependence Day. Celebrating the whole-person, one-flesh expertise.
Now it’s even higher, in fact, if you’re each depending on God.
My salvation and my honor rely on God; he’s my mighty rock, my refuge.
Psalm 62:7
This submit was first printed on July 4, 2013.